STAMINA Stories -- Reflection on my travels

My friend Carol Rinehart leads a monthly group of elders called STAMINA Stories.  STAMINA stands for Strength Training And Mindfulness Always.  We tell stories about our experiences, present and past, and focus on what stamina muscles we have developed and are developing to meet the challenges of aging and of our lives.  Carol asked me to do a reflection on my travels for the group.  Below is what I read to start our conversation.  Please feel free to comment. (If you are seeing this in your email, you may have to click on the link back to the blogspot website in order to leave a comment there).  I'd love to hear your reflections on what I've written here and on my travels and this blog.   

My travels started with a question - What things was I waiting to do until I had a partner to do them with? And why wait?

Because we know questions can be good teachers, I offer that question to those in the STAMINA circle:  Is there something you really want to do that you are waiting to do until ”X” happens?  (Whatever your “X” may be.) 

When I began considering that question, right away things like hiking, camping, going to national parks, traveling to parts of the country where I’d never been, came to mind. And the vision for my trailer adventure began to unfold. Some worries and fears came up, of course -  Is it safe for a woman to travel solo?  Would I be able to manage a camper by myself?  I began exploring if the vision was practical and doable.  Step by step I worked my way into it: yes -  practical, yes - learnable, yes - doable.  It was really encouraging to have things begin to work out. 

So here’s a second question you may want to consider:  What is stopping you from doing those things you’d like to do, and are those barriers real enough to be worth stopping for?

As I began exploring my camper adventure, right away there was a sense that this was about more than camping and seeing amazing sights. I felt called or lead in some as-yet-unknown spiritual way.  As if there were some kind of ministry I would find myself doing, or a quest or pilgrimage. 

I guess the question here is:  What am I called to do or be in this time in my life and if I’m not doing or being that, how can I go about it?

At least I wanted to go take a look at our country and my fellow Americans, outside the lovely bubble of W. Mass. To listen to nature and the land, the trees and animals, and the people. We are all God’s children.  And I wanted to write a blog about what I heard and saw for my friends and family back home, to share my travels and maintain connection with them. I didn’t want to abandon my home communities.  In fact, I’ve found myself making connections with communities all along my travels.  And I continuously am living with the question of how I may be used by Spirit every day. 

I was telling my friend Steve this when I stayed in his driveway in Kansas a couple weeks ago. I’m still not sure how this spiritual part of my journey is going.  Sometimes I’ve felt that I was in exactly the right place at the right time.  And other times, I have no clue.  Steve said, as we get older, it’s not so much about what you do.  It’s just being who you are, from all of your life experience.  It’s the example of knowing you, of how you live your life. That’s what you’re called to give.  So I’m considering that.  

Probably the question that has built the most STAMINA muscles has been - How to face stepping into the unknown every day?   Not that we don’t do this wherever we are.  It just feels clearer during my travels, that I am stepping into the unknown everywhere I go.  

During the 20 years I worked as a nurse, I developed a mantra for myself: “I can get stressed out, and then do the work. Or I can just do the work.”  It’s easy to get caught up in “I have so much to do! Which patient to take care of first?  But that patient has been waiting so long!  Etc., etc., etc.”  Over time I practiced letting all that go - it only gets in the way of actually doing anything.  Because I do have control of how I respond to the circumstances that arise in life.  Just not that much control of the circumstances themselves. 

I also think it’s worthwhile to look squarely at what is happening for better and for worse.  Especially in this crazy world we live in.  If it causes feelings to come up, like fear, grief, or pain, to acknowledge those feelings and feel them. 

Being as fully present as possible with what is happening and with my feelings seems to make space for a good response to the circumstances to arise. Lots of times I’m not sure what to do, and while I’m kind of sitting with what is, what to do comes to mind.  Often what pops into my head is so obvious, “Oh, of course!”  Maybe it’s an allowing of the right response to arise which helps. 

So there are some STAMINA muscles there - being present with what is and any feelings. And allowing a good response to arise. 

Some examples:  

Like everyone else, when the COVID lockdown started, it abruptly changed my life.  After about a week of spending way too much time on Facebook and the internet, sitting in my little trailer in my cousin’s small driveway, I felt like it was time to move on.  And I couldn’t - all the state and national parks on the west coast were closed.  Friends told me that even the national forest and BLM land near them was being cleared of campers.  I think the authorities were worried about a lot of RVers needing ambulances and medical care that their small rural healthcare systems couldn’t provide.  So in addition to the anxiety I was feeling about the situation in general, I started to feel almost claustrophobic, stuck in my cousin’s suburban driveway.  Looking at the circumstances, and feeling the anxiety, fear, and sense of limitation, I realized that, like everyone else, COVID was taking away my external choices.  Ah, but what about internal choices?  Could I use the time for internal work, for meditation and spiritual growth?  After some false starts and rough days, I was able to settle into a routine of yoga, meditation, and doing some small project every day.  I found that sitting under the trees in a nearby park in the lovely breeze made those days sweet, plus walking the dogs with my cousin (6’ apart) every evening.  There were still days when I spent too much time online and didn’t get out of my jammies til noon.

One day, in the midst of the COVID lockdown, it occurred to me that I could catch COVID, get sick and die.  And this could happen far from my daughter and those I love most.  It could happen any time, that week or the next week.  The fear and dread washed through me.  I was left with a determination to treasure every day as if it were my last.  “This is the day God has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it.”  

It also helps to have a sense of wonder. A childlike joy in being surprised by new discoveries and learning new things.  A sense of awe at this amazing creation and the Creator who has shared spirit with us and with every aspect of creation.  I think there is a curious 6 year old alive and well inside me.

More recently, the impact of George Floyd’s murder at the hands of the police, and the wave of justified anger and protest has filled the news.  The week this began, I was visiting my friends Marian and Jay in Indiana.  Marian’s grandson is half African American and lives with his mom in Oakland, California, right in the middle of the protests.  Between COVID and the violence happening at the protests, would he be safe?  We prayed together for her daughter and grandson and for all the African Americans in our country suffering from White Supremacy.  I can’t imagine what it is like to be the mother of a man or boy of color.  Every day  you would be waiting to see if he would survive.  Marian and I made a poster of a young black man kneeling and praying and put it beside the Black Lives Matter sign in front of her house.  That felt good, and totally inadequate.  I am looking for the more I can do and be around this issue.

I’ve been thinking about my daughter and granddaughter and how they will manage the crumbling and crashing of the world as we know it, which has begun with COVID and all the environmental, economic and social crises which are pushing themselves into the news and popular awareness.  I am committed to sticking around in this life as long as possible, to support these dear women, all the children, and anyone else I can.  Perhaps my deepening spiritual practice will be the grounding from which I can be someone who feels supportive to them going forward.

I hope these reflections will start one of the deep conversations we have here in our STAMINA circle. Looking forward to your questions and wise words. . . .